Our Standards

We believe that vengeance, like any product you bring into your life, should be held to the same standards of ethical sourcing you apply to your coffee, your clothing, and your supply chain audits. This document describes those standards. We update it annually, following our internal review process.

1. Proportionality Review

Every engagement begins with a Proportionality Review conducted by our certified review board. The offense is assessed across four dimensions: severity, intent, duration, and impact on third parties. A response is calibrated to match — not exceed — the assessed score.

We do not permit scope creep. If your grievance scores a 4.2, your response will be a 4.2. Not a 4.3.

Clients who request a response exceeding their Proportionality Score are offered The Redirect instead.

2. No Innocent Bystanders

This is non-negotiable. Every engagement undergoes a Bystander Impact Assessment before execution. If the proposed action would affect any party not directly involved in the originating grievance, the engagement is redesigned or declined.

We define "innocent bystander" broadly. Colleagues, family members, pets, and professional reputations of uninvolved parties are all protected categories. We have declined lucrative engagements on this basis. We will continue to do so.

3. Third-Party Audits

All engagements above the Standard tier are subject to third-party audit by our independent review partners. Auditors verify proportionality compliance, bystander impact, and chain-of-custody documentation before, during, and after execution.

Audit reports are provided to clients upon request. We maintain records for seven years or until the heat death of the universe, whichever comes first.

4. Carbon Neutrality

All engagements are carbon neutral, certified by our Environmental Compliance team. For engagements involving travel, documentation printing, or extended operations, we purchase verified offsets. The Redirect is our only carbon-negative product.

We acknowledge that "carbon-neutral vengeance" is a phrase that did not exist before us. We consider this a contribution to the field.

5. Fair Trade Practices

We ensure that everyone involved in delivering your vengeance is compensated fairly and treated with dignity. This includes our review board, our auditors, our documentation specialists, and — where applicable — the subject of the engagement.

The subject of your engagement has not consented to this process. We acknowledge this. We address it through proportionality, not through their participation.

6. What We Will Not Do

• ✗ Engagements that cause physical harm of any kind
• ✗ Engagements that violate any applicable law
• ✗ Responses exceeding the Proportionality Score
• ✗ Anything affecting innocent bystanders
• ✗ Engagements based on grievances we assess as unfounded
• ✗ Rush orders (The Cold Dish requires 90 days minimum; this is a feature)

"We take our standards more seriously than we take your grievance. This is why the standards work."

— Internal Standards Document, Ethically Sourced Vengeance, Rev. 4